Buddhist Friendship, Inspired By Buddhism But Not Religious
Buddhist Friendship Explained
So, you probably clicked on the link about the Buddhist way of friendship.
First, and most importantly, this is not particularly* religious. Think of it more as cultural or philosophical. CULTURAL: Think of this as how Buddhists tend to treat others, just like how Italians interact or Japanese interact. PHILOSOPHICAL: Mark Twain or Aristotle or Leonardo da Vinci had ideas about good friendship. The Buddha is just another person who had opinions about good friendship.
About 2600 years ago, the historical Buddha was heard to have said:
1. He gives what is beautiful, hard to give,
2. does what is hard to do,
3. endures painful, ill-spoken words.
4. His secrets he tells you,
5. your secrets he keeps.
6. When misfortunes strike, he doesn't abandon you;
7. when you're down & out, doesn't look down on you.
A person in whom these traits are found, is a friend to be cultivated by anyone wanting a friend.
source: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an07/an07.035.than.html
So, 2600 years before Buzzfeed, and the Buddha made a "7 qualities of good friendship" listicle.
I'm a Buddhist. This and other philosophies inform how I see friendship working well.
The Buddhist way of friendship is well summed up by four limitless qualities the Buddha advised people to develop. Importantly, he said these were praised by many people who weren't Buddhist too. They are:
The big difference about Buddhist friendship is that it is based on shared humanity/emotions and specifically avoids arguments about views.
* * * When people have negative emotions:
YES, SAY THIS: "I'm angry and frustrated."
...because all people have felt angry and frustrated at some point in time. And we can offer support and empathy.
GOOD BUDDHISTY RESPONSE: "I see you and support you." It normalize their emotion and how they feel, without getting into right/wrong.
NO, DON'T SAY THIS: "I'm angry and frustrated because the waiter was rude to me when I requested for the fries to be crispy and they said no."
...because it leads the conversation toward whether the waiter was rude and whether the request was reasonable. This is where a lot of internet comment threads go awry... people start debating the specifics and who was right and who was wrong. These are unnecessary for Buddhist friendship.
TYPICAL RESPONSE #1: "I know, waiters can be so rude." It's true that the person is heard and might feel better, but it may feed their justification to be angry/annoyed. Think about it. You're encouraging the person to continue to be angry/annoyed.
TYPICAL RESPONSE #2: "That doesn't sound rude." or "How is that rude?" or "What did they do?" In all these cases, the person may not feel heard and they might get annoyed at you. You aren't encouraging anger any more, but you're actually discouraging the emotion validity. You might not mean it, but some people take anything other than agreement to be an attack.
BUDDHISTY RESPONSE AMBIGUOUS: "I see you and support you." This is problematic because they might be expecting you to agree with them. They might hear the support. Or they might just think its weird.
So, 2600 years before Buzzfeed, and the Buddha made a "7 qualities of good friendship" listicle.
I'm a Buddhist. This and other philosophies inform how I see friendship working well.
The Buddhist way of friendship is well summed up by four limitless qualities the Buddha advised people to develop. Importantly, he said these were praised by many people who weren't Buddhist too. They are:
- Loving Kindness / Goodwill
- Compassion
- Sympathetic Joy
- Equanimity, summed up by the phrase "accepting things we can't change"
Importantly, he said you will get great benefits to train yourself to offer these to all people, especially people you don't like or disagree with.
These are big topics, so I'm not going to write more about them here beyond saying they underlie the approach.
The big difference about Buddhist friendship is that it is based on shared humanity/emotions and specifically avoids arguments about views.
* * * When people have negative emotions:
YES, SAY THIS: "I'm angry and frustrated."
...because all people have felt angry and frustrated at some point in time. And we can offer support and empathy.
GOOD BUDDHISTY RESPONSE: "I see you and support you." It normalize their emotion and how they feel, without getting into right/wrong.
NO, DON'T SAY THIS: "I'm angry and frustrated because the waiter was rude to me when I requested for the fries to be crispy and they said no."
...because it leads the conversation toward whether the waiter was rude and whether the request was reasonable. This is where a lot of internet comment threads go awry... people start debating the specifics and who was right and who was wrong. These are unnecessary for Buddhist friendship.
TYPICAL RESPONSE #1: "I know, waiters can be so rude." It's true that the person is heard and might feel better, but it may feed their justification to be angry/annoyed. Think about it. You're encouraging the person to continue to be angry/annoyed.
TYPICAL RESPONSE #2: "That doesn't sound rude." or "How is that rude?" or "What did they do?" In all these cases, the person may not feel heard and they might get annoyed at you. You aren't encouraging anger any more, but you're actually discouraging the emotion validity. You might not mean it, but some people take anything other than agreement to be an attack.
BUDDHISTY RESPONSE AMBIGUOUS: "I see you and support you." This is problematic because they might be expecting you to agree with them. They might hear the support. Or they might just think its weird.
* * * When people have positive emotions:
YES, SAY THIS: "I'm happy and excited."
...because all people have felt happy and excited. And we can offer support and gladness of their situation.
GOOD BUDDHISTY RESPONSE: "I see you and support you." It normalize their emotion and how they feel, without getting into right/wrong.
NO, DON'T SAY THIS: "I'm happy and excited because my girlfriend bought me tickets to the blink-182 concert and told me to go with my best friend."
...because it leads the conversation toward whether happy and excited is justified. This is where a lot of internet comment threads go awry... people start debating the specifics and who was right and who was wrong. These are unnecessary for Buddhist friendship.
TYPICAL RESPONSE #1: "That sounds really awesome. Your girlfriend is so chill." It's true that the person is heard and might feel better, but it may feed their justification to be happy. In my take on Buddhism, "I'm happy about _____" is always famous last words.... that's because when the thing goes away (and things always change), does that mean you're going to unhappy? This is nitpicky, and it is fine to say "That is awesome".
TYPICAL RESPONSE #2: "That doesn't sound great." or "How come she isn't going?" or "Why do you like blink-182?" In all these cases, the person may not feel heard and they might get annoyed at you. By disagreeing or questioning, you might be perceived as discouraging the emotion validity. You might not mean it, but some people take anything other than agreement to be an attack.
BUDDHISTY RESPONSE AMBIGUOUS: "I see you and support you." This is problematic because they might be expecting you to agree with them. I once counseled a friend that her boyfriend was self-absorbed. When they are high, they want you to be high with them and are annoyed if you are low. When they are low, they want you to be low with them and are annoyed if you are high. Matching the other person's mood isn't reliable friendship.
*** When people share opinions:
NO, DON'T SAY THIS: "Environmentalism is stupid."
NO, DON'T SAY THIS: "Environmentalism is soooo important."
NO, DON'T SAY THIS: "Trump is soooo awesome."
NO, DON'T SAY THIS: "Trump is stupid."
...because the focuses the interaction on the opinion. The other person probably wants to be agreed with, so you can do that. That might make them a little happy, but not in any long-lasting way. If you disagree with them, it doesn't help either of you. And if you don't take a stand, they may feel ignored or try to push you to take a stand.
Aside: I've always found it odd that people feel positively about another person when they agree with them. I understand the positive feelings (validation, belonging, feeling justified), but there are much more important criteria for friendship. I've known people who love the same things I have and have almost no goodwill. And I've known people who disagree with things I think are obvious and have a ton of goodwill, nevertheless.
I especially am confused when that feeling is based on liking the same sports team.
NO, DON'T SAY THIS: "America is the best country."
NO, DON'T SAY THIS: "America is the worst country."
NO, DON'T SAY THIS: "America has a lot of good."
NO, DON'T SAY THIS: "America has a lot of bad."
...because these are like the things above. But you might be tempted by the next option.... don't fall for the bait.
ALSO DON'T SAY THIS: "America has a lot of good and bad."
...because it still focuses on viewpoints. Even though this is a reasonable viewpoint and is probably objectively correct, it doesn't give much opportunity for goodwill.
So, with that, you should be getting a sense that Buddhist Friendship is different and maybe a little weird. If it's not for you, that's fine. It's an uncommon goal to give goodwill to and receive goodwill from all people, unconditionally, not dependent on race, size, gender, opinions, intelligence, etc.
I suspect that if you're already getting a lot of friendship that you feel is good or satisfying, this project is not really for you. You're not missing warmth, and that's okay.
This is really helpful for two types of people:
This is really helpful for two types of people:
- People who want to stretch and expand their friendship muscles, i.e., to learn to have that friendship towards all people, unconditionally
- People who don't have a lot of friendship and want to receive more goodwill.
And finally, this isn't for you if you think friends are about agreeing with you. Unfortunately, this is at the heart of what many people think friendship is about: meeting like-minded people to have fun. That has its positives, but also some hidden drawbacks. But, if you are open to experimenting with a friendship based on unconditional love and support, you are completely welcome to join this project. Just try it on and see if it fits.
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*NOTES: I wrote earlier that this is "not particularly religious". Let me clarify so I'm not misleading you. This does come out of my Buddhist path. A lot of the insights come from a Buddhist worldview or view of what is healthy for the mind. So, for me, this is quite intertwined by what people call the Buddhist religion. So, if you are really allergic to Buddhism or anything outside your worldview, you might find this problematic. Some religious figures might caution you against doing this. I don't want to mislead you. If you are very religious, you are encouraged to check with your authority figure.
With that said, as one friend said, "a lot of this is common sense mixed with psychology". In no way do you have to take anything as faith or believe in a certain "god/God". The Buddha taught that taking deep breaths can be helpful. To me, it would be foolhardy to never breath deeply because another religion advised it. Breathing isn't owned by any religion. Neither is goodwill and friendliness.
Why then did I put Buddhism in the name? Filters. Filtering in: I think this would be helpful for many people on the Buddhist path, so it helps identify it for them. Filtering out: If anyone wants to reject this on the first impression that it's associated with Buddhism, that person would probably not be a good fit.
I still have goodwill and positive regard for them. It's just that this is a specific practice, and the goal is to help people who are interested and/or would benefit. And that is not everyone.
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